This was done for a school group project, but this version is without words...

Chrysalis from Alex Houseknecht on Vimeo.

The Lord be with you.

In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit
In the name of goodness and love and broken community
In the name of meaning and feeling and I hope you don’t screw me
In the name of darkness and light and ungraspable twilight
In the name of meal times and sharing and caring by firelight
In the name of action and peace and human redemption
In the name of eating and drinking and table confession
In the name of sadness, regret, and holy obsession
The holy name of anger, the spirit of aggression
In the name of forgive and forget and I hope I get over this
In the name of Father and Son and the Holy Spirit
In the name of beauty and beaten and broken down daily
In the name of seeing our creeds and believing in maybe
We gather here, a table of strangers
And speak of our hope land and talk of our danger
To make sense of our thinking, to authenticate lives
To humanize feeling and stop telling lies
In the name of philosophy, theology, and who gives a damn
In the name of employment and study and finding new family
In the name of our passion, our loving, and indecent obsessions
In the name of prayer and of worship and of demon possession
In the name of solitude and quiet and holy reflection
In the name of the lost and the lonely and the without direction
In the name of efficiency, stupidity, and the holy ineffectual
In the name of the straight, the queer, transgendered, and bisexual
In the name of boot clogs and boob jobs and erectile disfunction
Schizophrenia, hysteria, and obsessive compulsion
In the name of Jesus and Mary and the mostly silent Joseph
In the name of speaking to ourselves saying this is more than I can cope with
In the name of touch up and break up and break down and weeping
In the name of therapy and Prozac and full hearted breathing
In the name of sadness and madness and years since I’ve smiled
In the name of the unknown, the alien, and the holy in exile
In the name of goodness and kindness and intentionality
In the name of harbor and shelter and family

Peter Rollins

First day of school!

I'm a student again! I started my master's this last week.

This is my friend Katie and I holding our lunch, before we walked to school for our very first day.

I realized the other day that I easily and quickly place my desire for my own holiness above my desire to know God. I have this want to be more desirable in my own eyes, I suppose. It's distracting me from what I want to be most important--knowing God.

This is where I work:

The School of Acrobatics & New Circus Arts (SANCA) is a 501(C)(3) non-profit organization dedicated to improving the mental and physical health of children of all ages by engaging them in the joyous creativity of acrobatics and circus arts.

Because of where I work, I was on the NW Cable news. Here's the link:

http://www.nwcn.com/video/featured-videos/NW-Postcard-Circus-School-114832789.html

Thoughts

I have this long list in my head of all the things I really want for my house. My house is important to me. Aesthetics are important to me. Possibly too important, I don't know.

There's this song by Jill Phillips called, God and Money, that if I had fancy computer skills would be playing while you read this. It goes something like this:

No one serves both God and money
We all know because we've tried
We've dressed up nice and poured on lots of perfume
To cover up the death on the inside

No one serves both God and money
'Cause they're both wanting the same things
Only one can have your full attention
And the heart and mind and soul that you will bring...

For the first time in my life, I have an income, and I can afford some things. Not a lot of things, mind you, but some things. Never before have I wanted so many things as I do right now. I'm a bit preoccupied with "getting". I covet a higher standard of living. I don't like it.

I've read scholarly journal articles about money and how every household feels that if they made "such and such" more money, they'd be happier. Even the richest of the richest still want more, and think that just a bit more would make life better.

I didn't think I was greedy, but I do have a lot of selfish want for things. Since moving into the "real world" of work and life, I have this gnawing inside of me to accumulate. This is very much against the type of life I desire to have.

For some reason I feel like having these things will make life better than it already is.

I find it so easy to fall into this type of thinking. I live in the richest neighborhood in Seattle. When I walk around I see the most beautiful homes I've ever seen. Something inside of me wants the same: A big beautiful house that's really well designed on the inside.

Not that I can blame Seattle for my heart-issue, but living in the city puts the immediate availability of any possession at my fingertips, and the best of any "thing" at that.

I want an attitude of Jesus being enough to satisfy my life. I don't want my identity to be rooted in my own abilities and achievements.

Steep yourself in God: what is real, what His desires are, what He wants to give. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Don't be afraid of missing out. God wants good things for you. Luke 12:30-32

Camping

I've gone camping the last couple weekends. It was wonderful. Here's two pictures.

Warning: It's disturbing

Find out more at Meat.org.

This is very gruesome, but it's real. I might become a vegetarian.

Some pics of home. It's changed a bit since these, but...

This is where I now reside. I moved to Queen Anne in Seattle last week. There are a lot of beautiful parks just blocks away from my place. Here's the view of the park one block over.

Pictures of my house to come.

This is raccoon. That's his name, and what he is. He liked me. I'm a bit of an animal whisperer (for real, I really think I am).

I've been reading Matthew today. Mainly the end of Jesus' life. Pilate washes his hands clean of Jesus blood, because he finds no fault in Him. He tells the crowd, "I am innocent of this man's blood. It is your responsibility." It's ironic, the crowd says, "Let his blood be on us and our children!" How true that was. That was the whole point. It's sad, and beautiful.

If we knew each other's secrets, what comforts we should find.

-John Churton Collins

Thursday

Sometimes I just don't know how I can continue. I'll explain.

Today I opened my Majuro box to try and find something I thought might be in there. I ended up going through everything (which is something I usually try to avoid too often). I read a bunch of their journals: about funny things that happened in class, short stories they wrote, 'fessing up to things, funny little pictures about me and my then significant other, pictures the second graders would draw or color for me. It breaks my heart. I still feel everything so deeply. I can't go through that box, even now, almost two years later, without sobbing.

I watched a little video clip I took walking to campus the last day of school, and it's hard to believe that that was me, and that I made that walk every day for almost a year. It still feels dreamy, and not real. I know I took that video, but it feels like I couldn't have, being so far removed now.

I just don't know if this is how it will always be. I wonder if I'll always have to avoid looking at too many of my pictures of my time there, and.....i don't know. Thinking about Majuro makes me fragile. I miss my students more than I thought I possibly could.

Tele

I've been watching a lot of TV lately. I feel dumb for it. I don't even really like TV, and I don't even own a TV, but I'm living at home now and TV is a bit of a staple in this household. I should (and would like to) be spending my time doing things I need to do, or things I love to do. Time is too precious to be spent on anything less. I'm going to spend time on more fulfilling things again, and turn the tele off.

Lessons and Simplicity

And this is what I watched today. As well as this.

Wisdom

I watched this today. It was really good. You should check it out.

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all.

-Emily Dickinson

Five things I'm thankful for today:

-My adorable nephews

-Good, close friends that care about me, and the ability to talk to them being so far away.

-Fuji apples and spinach

-Two working legs that can take me anywhere

-Late night movies at a friends house

Last week I interviewed for the aerial and dance company that offered me a position this week. It was a very humbling experience. They had all kinds of things to correct me on: my toes, suck in my stomach, relax neck, smile.....the list goes on. I wasn't used to being told to fix so many things. Usually, I'm the coach with all the suggestions of things to fix. To be honest, I didn't really like it, but even while it was happening, I knew that it would be good for me to be the one being corrected.

I'm in Portland now, and have been for the last week. I was officially offered a position for a dance and aerial company here in Portland. It's a one year agreement, if I choose to take it. A year seems like a long time, and such a big decision. What if Portland isn't the best place for me? I keep asking myself if Portland is God's "plan A." I'm just not sure. I have another interview today, so we'll see how that goes.

Fashion for Food

Last weekend I was a model in a benefit fashion show featuring designers and boutiques from Nebraska, called Fashion for Food. The proceeds of the show went to fund Lincoln's Backpack Program, which distributes over 2,000 backpacks to students so they dont have to go hungry on the weekends because they rely on school meal programs during the week.

I was in the local Lincoln paper here

I think it's kinda funny! And fun. It says "Model Tyler Henry..." haha.

2.12.09

A couple weeks ago I found an unlocked hatch in a sidewalk here at Union. I went back late at night in the cover of darkness. I opened it to reveal underground tunnels that snaked around to every building on campus! It was really cool! In the picture above I'm sqeezing through a tight space past a locked door meant to keep me out (how silly of them to think that would stop me!).

I get so confused sometimes. Just when I start to think I have something maybe figured out, my heart yells out and I pull back, deciding I need to further think about it. The longings I have to do something purposeful and selfless are strong. Yet I'm so self focused, and I know the remedy to this...giving of myself, id est, not living for me.

I like to look good. I like to have nice things --clothes, watches, cologne, art --but I feel a lot of guilt for having said nice things, when they aren't things I need to live.

I feel the need to be closer to home, and to have a dog, but at the same time to go overseas again.

I don't yet know how I can balance these two things.

I want to be this guy, helping the kid. He's a part of Tiny Hands International, check it out.

But I don't know if my heart can take any more. I start tearing up anytime I think about my kids in Majuro. I can't read the letters they wrote to me before I left without crying. Part of my heart is still there, and I don't know how I could do it again.

I have money sitting in a bank account, and I can't bring myself to spend it on things I like, because they aren't necessity, and yet I want to have money for the future so I can be a provider, and still it bothers me to no end that it just sits there, not being used, when I could be donating it to help stop trafficking of women and children, and feeding people that don't have anything. I need to create balance. I know I can have both. I can have peace.

10.18.09

I feel SPLIT. I feel restless.

One self wants to go overseas again, when I finish in December.

The other self wants to put down some roots in the Northwest, closer to family.

When I was overseas a couple years ago I remember wanting to wait until I was married to go again, but with time one forgets the reasons you felt so strongly about some things.

I feel both selves so strongly.

In both I'm seeking community, God, adventure, relationship.

I need to pray about it.

I bought a coat last week. I feel guilty about it. I don't need it. I have coats, a couple of them. I'll probably take it back.

I'm tired of how self-focused school is. My fervor is waning.

I sound down-in-the-dumps, I'm not. Just contemplative.

Here's a nice picture to brighten the page:

9.28.09

I went to bed at six-thirty last night. It was so good. I woke up at 1:00 am wide awake, thinking about what to do next.

So, my goal this week was to turn orange, or yellow, rather. I decided that for five days I was going to eat carrots, oranges, orange juice, and sweet potatoes, just to see how yellow my skin would turn. A friend thought it also a great idea, and we set out to embark on a beautiful journey together. After two days of being hungry non-stop, I decided it wasn't so beautiful after all.

I learned something about myself this week that I already kinda knew, but wasn't so overly aware of: I lack self-discipline. I'm not very good at completing things I don't like doing.

Oh, Prosperous Night

It was a prosperous night. Every Monday night, after I'm done with gymnastics, I go for a bike ride. Why Monday? Well, you see, Monday is trash day in the surrounding Lincoln area. Why at night? Well, I need the cover of darkness to go through people's trash. It's as simple as that. I'm really keen on going through people's things and uncovering interesting tchotchkes in the trash. It's completely invigorating and exhilarating to me.

Tonight I found a wrought iron coffee table stand, two silk ferns, a glass dish and an old letter.

The letter was written to Jack, from Gram (Grandma). Not my grandma, but Jack's. When I read it I felt like I was the recipient, like Gram just wrote the wrong name at the top and in the address line. She told me I was a good young man, to forgive myself for the mistakes made and move on. She advised me to do the best I can and make good choices, and to say my prayers before I go to sleep.

It was a hearty letter, with sound advice: forgive yourself, move on, start again, and make God a priority.

other finds: new headboard and little table

09.27.09

I have a new bike. It's hard to believe what people throw away. I can't believe how wasteful people are, but in this case I'm kinda excited:

05.20.09

Another year finished.  It feels good to be done and I'm really excited to be working at camp this summer.  I just got back from spending 10 days in Canada with a family that I've become good friends with this year.  I went up in the CN tower, took the subway, and de-stressed from school.

I'm still in Lincoln, and just enjoying my free time.  I've been having picnics, playing outside, riding my bike around town, reading, and playing rook.  The other day, while exploring downtown,  I found an unlocked door in a cool building that led to a hatch on the top of the building.  

Tonight I'm going to go to a Kindergarten graduation!  It'll be fun!

04.05.09

Time goes by so quickly.   The year is almost over.  I only have four or five weeks of school left.  It's snowing outside today, and I'm inside making licorice root tea.   Two weeks and a couple days ago I was sitting at the beach in the Bahamas.   I got to swim with sharks, live for a week without carrying around a cellphone, I got play at the beach, do gymnastics, and be with people 24/7.  I was miserably sick with the flu, but it was wonderful.  I've come to realize just how much I like being around people.  I would rather be around people all the time than anything else.  I don't know why I ever went through with the bright idea to have an apartment to myself!  Next year I'll have a roommate or two, that's for sure!  Speaking of my apartment, here's a picture of it.  And I uploaded more pictures to my Flickr account, so click on one of the pictures down on the right and take a look!

01.28.09

Sometimes I'm easily distracted.  Some things take me a long time to get done, and sometimes it takes me a long time to figure something out in life.

The last 9 months of my life have been the hardest I've ever experienced.  I've struggled with deep loneliness and had a hard time finding joy, happiness and contentment.  After talking to a good friend I realized that I've been trying to make life how it used to be and trying to not accept how it is different now and that I'm different now.  I wanted life to be how it was my junior year in college when I was never lonely and was always surrounded by fun and close-knit people, and when I never struggled with joy or happiness.  

I'm beginning to accept how hard things have been for me this year and accept that things can't be the exact same as they used to be, and learning that I wouldn't even want it to be the same anymore.  A good friend and mentor told me, "You'll find new joys and new sources of happiness as life changes."  

I feel like I'm in a better place than I have been in a long time.  For so long I've been distracted by the sin that enters my life, all the darts that the devil throws at me, but I'm changing my focus now.  I'm trying to not let anything distract me from my God.

It took me a while to figure this out, but I'm learning and I'm growing, and that's what it's all about.  We're all on a journey.  There is joy in the journey, sometimes it's just harder to find.

I haven't blogged in a long time, and I feel a bit too vulnerable, but honesty is what it's all about, right?  

2/2/09

It's been several months, but I'm back to a place where I feel I can start blogging again.  

yes, it's been a while.  yesterday as I was sitting in counseling theories class while we talked about grief I realized I'm in the grieving process.  I miss majuro so much.  I wish I was still there living the kind of life I had last year.

hello. well, i've been thinking a lot.  as i've said before, it's been hard for me adjusting to "normal life."  When I left for Majuro I had the impression that I would have ample time to "figure things out."  I did have ample time, I had tons of time on that small island, but I didn't really figure anything out.  I came back more confused about life and myself than I've ever been.  It's a good thing, I guess, to be thinking about things, but it doesn't feel good.  It's painful.  

School is hard for me.  Not because because i'm a dummy, but because I just don't feel very fulfilled.  I was more fulfilled teaching last year in Majuro than I am right now.

I was expecting Union to be some sort of saviour to me--having friends, being in community with other people my age again--but it's not doing it for me.  I don't have a community anymore.   I don't really have any friends here anymore, besides a couple, I guess.  I thought being here would be good for me.  Maybe this is good for me, I don't know.  But I'm not really enjoying it.  

Sorry to all of you expecting to read some exciting story of how great I'm doing, but that just wouldn't be true.  I'm not doing that great right now.   And that is okay, because I know it won't be like this forever.

  

Homiletics Changed My Life!!

It's true.  Never before has a class so profoundly impacted me .  You may be asking, "How can it be?  Didn't school just start today?"  Well, you're right, school did just start today.  Since I just love telling stories, let me tell you one now:

Ok, scratch the story thing.  I don't like telling stories ( I was being facetious when I said I love telling stories) .  I'm not gifted with speech, so I just don't like telling stories.  Which is interesting because today, while sitting in Homiletics, I was asked by my teacher if I like telling stories, to which I replied, "no, not at all."    He then said how the best preacher is one that tells stories. That really got me thinking.  Why am I doing Religion?  I don't like telling stories, so I probably wouldn't make that great a preacher, plus I don't want to be a preacher.  And I don't even like religion.  I like God, and spirituality, but not all this unpractical mumbo jumbo information about religion and how to run an effective board meeting.  I may be over exaggerating a bit, sometimes I do that, but really, I don't want to be a Religion Major.   I'm not even sure I want to be here at Union, but that's a completely diferent topic, of which I may bring up later.

So, to summarize, Homiletics changed my life!!! (partly because it was horrible).  Tomorrow I'm going to change my Major.  To what?  Yeah.....about that.....