Tuesday, October 27, 2009

I get so confused sometimes. Just when I start to think I have something maybe figured out, my heart yells out and I pull back, deciding I need to further think about it. The longings I have to do something purposeful and selfless are strong. Yet I'm so self focused, and I know the remedy to this...giving of myself, id est, not living for me.
I like to look good. I like to have nice things --clothes, watches, cologne, art --but I feel a lot of guilt for having said nice things, when they aren't things I need to live.
I feel the need to be closer to home, and to have a dog, but at the same time to go overseas again.
I don't yet know how I can balance these two things.
I want to be this guy, helping the kid. He's a part of Tiny Hands International, check it out.

But I don't know if my heart can take any more. I start tearing up anytime I think about my kids in Majuro. I can't read the letters they wrote to me before I left without crying. Part of my heart is still there, and I don't know how I could do it again.
I have money sitting in a bank account, and I can't bring myself to spend it on things I like, because they aren't necessity, and yet I want to have money for the future so I can be a provider, and still it bothers me to no end that it just sits there, not being used, when I could be donating it to help stop trafficking of women and children, and feeding people that don't have anything. I need to create balance. I know I can have both. I can have peace.


Nicholas said...

Firstly, yes, you can have both. I think we are doomed/blessed to live in the middle of such tension. At least you care. That's a big step a lot of people never make. And secondly, it's nice to see photos I shot at camp on the side of your blog.

Hillary and Kati said...

I can relate to how you feel... and yes I think that you can find the balance. You will find the peace.
I wish I had some advice but I dont... only pray!


p.s. I want a dog too :)

Hillary and Kati said...

First of all, thanks for introducing yourself! Kati talks very highly of you, you seem like a very great guy.

I am sorry you are confused... You know, I took a missions class spring quarter last year, and the teacher discussed exactly what you are going through...I can't exactly relate, because I haven't come home from my mission yet, but what you are going through, is normal. You have feelings, emotion, love, and passion. You have experienced something that changed you, and now you have to learn how to deal with the desires and confusion you have cooking inside of you. Pray for peace, you seem to have a good heart, I know you will figure things out soon. Don't overwhelm yourself! :)

Emily Star said...

Ah Tyler,
I HEAR you. These decisions are really hard. I'm making some big ones myself. I just heard that I can't go to LL next year...needed to be graduated by Dec...would have been nice to know that. So now I've got so many options....and it's overwhelming. You are closer to those decisions which I'm sure makes it harder.

I prayed for opporutunities the other day--i also prayed for my eyes to be open to them...and whether or not there were actaully more opportunities OR i was just seeing them more clearly...I don't know. But I got excited about life that day big time. It doesn't always happen like that for me...but it did that day. Hope you can figure these things out. ~Em

Alicia said...

You know, you don't have to go overseas to help someone in need. When i was in school I had some of my clinical rotation at a family shelter. I learned more there about how much people here in the US suffer everyday. A whole family may live on the streets for months at a time before they find an opening at a shelter. So many in fact, that people who have used up their 30 day stay cannot come back again. People who have been hit by the economy are suddenly finding themselves without a house, car, or money enough to buy the most basic groceries. You can live anywhere you want to, and still make a difference there. Sometimes you don't need to preach to people to send God's love, just a simple conversation, let them know that you care. Or going to the local food bank to help out. I know its hard to balance what you want for yourself, and what you see others as needing, but you don't have to beat yourself up either. You can remain humble even if you have nice things, a dog, and a normal job and social life too. GOd gives us opportunities everyday for small things, even if it is just being polite rather then rude in the grocery store. You are a great person and I know you can do great things. Keep your mind set on your goals and let God lead the way. : ) Love ya! Alicia

Tina said...

Tyler I miss you and your BIG heart! Come and visit soon and we should have a good talk about this!